Caught in the Middle

by Sandra McNamee 1998

This document seeks to explore children's experiences of domestic violence and the effects such violence may have on their lives, both in the short term and in the long term. It draws on the conclusions of various studies in this area which have been carried out in America and the United Kingdom. It aims to raise awareness of the complexity of this issue and to highlight the importance of support for both women and children who may be survivors of domestic violence. The document highlights a number of issues, namely:

• The issue of childhood stress and the causes of stress in all children and young people;

• How children and young people may experience domestic violence;

• Identification of links between domestic violence and child abuse;

• The impact domestic violence may have on mothering;

• The effects domestic violence may have on children and young people's lives;

• The legitimacy of the cycle of violence theory;

• Issues to be considered when assessing the possible impact of domestic violence on children and young people.

Finally, a list of recommendations is provided for any agency or individual working with young people on a regular basis.

Introduction

We live in a society in which domestic violence is sadly the norm in many families. Research (McWilliams and McKiernan, 1993) showed that between 1:4 and 1:10 women in Northern Ireland have or currently experience violence in the home. Further research (McWilliams and Spence 1996) revealed that between 1991 and 1994, 21 women were victims of domestic violence related homicide. Cases of grievous bodily harm, actual bodily harm and threats to kill which came before the courts totalled 1,031, 979 of which were women and 52 men. In addition to these statistics, official police records show that within Northern Ireland one woman is seriously assaulted every day by her male partner.

There are various definitions of domestic violence. What they all have in common is that domestic violence is the misuse of power and control by one partner (usually the male) over another partner. Domestic violence occurs within close adult relationships and may reveal itself in direct force or verbal threat to enable the perpetrator to get what they want or to maintain control.

Awareness of domestic violence and it’s many forms is generally increasing among agencies and communities. There is often, however, a tendency to associate domestic violence with physical violence only. Domestic violence may be experienced in a plethora of forms including, physical abuse, emotional torture, verbal abuse and degradation, sexual assault and financial abuse and exploitation. Often a woman experiencing domestic violence will suffer a combination of these forms of abuse.

It is important to remember that whole families suffer from domestic violence. For every woman experiencing violence in the home there will usually be children who are also suffering. The experiences of these children are often overlooked.

Northern Ireland Women’s Aid statistics for 1989-1997

The above figures show that children represent the majority of occupants in refuge at any particular time. If we take an even bigger view and consider all the women experiencing violence who do not contact Women’s Aid and the children that they have, we form an even broader picture of how many children are suffering.

Violence in the family cannot be kept hidden from the children, they will often witness the violence, be aware of the tense atmosphere, suffer as victims themselves or suffer in the aftermath of the violence.

 

"...they are telling me now, what a lot of violence they had seen, and it’s affected them. I would try and placate him until I got them up to bed, and then whenever I would come down, he would start, and it’s only now that they are telling me about sneaking downstairs"

A woman talks about her violent marriage, McWilliams & McKiernan (1993) p.38

A simple yet effective way of illustrating the impact violence can have on a family is provided by Dr Neil Frude, (1997). Dr Frude compares the family to a mobile. Each member of the family represents a single element of the mobile. Any action on any part of the mobile will have reverberating effects on every other single element. The effects will also be fed back to their original source. Dr Frude refers to this interactive effect as "Circular Causation" which can also be referred to as a "Vicious Cycle". Dr Frude also highlights the positive side of such an effect which is, circles can be broken at any time at any point. This can be achieved through effective intervention by any agency or individual. Intervention can be with the woman or the child.

Although research currently exists which clearly outlines the extent of domestic violence against women and the effects and context on their lives, relatively little is known about the impact of violence in the home on children. As with women who suffer from domestic violence, every child’s experience will be different. Some witness or overhear the violence, many suffer it alongside their mothers. Children may experience domestic violence in a number of ways.

Many children experience domestic violence before they are born. Often pregnancy is used as a means of maintaining power. Keeping a woman constantly pregnant is one deliberate method of exercising control over her life. Children may also be conceived as a consequence of rape.

Research has shown that many women experiencing domestic violence suffer violent attacks during their pregnancy. In their study of domestic violence in Northern Ireland, McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) found that approximately one third (19 out of 56 women) studied had been beaten during pregnancy, many spoke of their experiences:

This can result in still birth, miscarriage and damage to the child.

Forbidding women to attend doctor's appointments, pre natal treatment etc. can also result in damaging effects to the child.

Many children are physically present during a violent assault on their mother. There has been a large amount of research conducted which serves to prove this. Hughes(1992) (cited Holder et al 1994) showed that 90% of children were in the same or next room when the violence was occurring. Studies by Leighton (1989) (cited Holder et al 1994) showed that 68% of children were witnesses of violence in the home.

McWilliams and McKiernan(1993) interviewed many women who spoke about the violence their children had witnessed

Although many children may not directly witness the violence, studies have shown that, in the majority of cases, they are still aware that it is occurring.

One of the most well known studies conducted in the UK to examine the effects domestic violence has on children is "The Hidden Victims Study". This study was carried out by The National Children’s Homes, Action for Child Policy Unit in 1994. The study consisted of a sample of 108 women with 246 children who were survivors of domestic violence. This study showed that 90% of all mothers interviewed said their children were aware of the violence. Many children witness the aftermath of the violence by seeing the injury to their mothers or seeing their mothers distress over the situation. The Hidden Victims Study showed that 99% of children had seen their mothers crying or upset. More than half of the women (52%) said that their children had seen the resulting injuries.

Without actually witnessing the abuse, many children may be aware of the atmosphere or sense of fear in the home. (The Hidden Victims Study showed that 69% were aware of the atmosphere.)

 

"Many children live with fear and anxiety, waiting for the next violent episode. They feel no safety in their own home yet are too young to seek out or even want an alternative"  Jaffe & Wolfe (1990) p.27

The Child as the Intervenor

When a violent attack is occurring within the family, for many children an immediate and natural reaction will be to intervene to protect either their mother or other siblings. This was highlighted in The Hidden Victims Study, 31% of women told how their children had tried to protect their mother and 27% had tried to protect their siblings.

McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) found similar findings in their study of 56 women. Many recounted stories of how their children had intervened. One woman spoke about how her nine year old daughter had saved her life when her partner had attacked with a bread knife;

Many children are encouraged to collude with the violence. This may take many forms:

• Colluding in the overall secrecy, not telling anyone about the situation in the home;

• Playing one parent against the other to get what they want;

• Colluding with the actual abuse, verbally degrading the mother, using abusive language, physically abusing the mother.

Such collusion serves to further the abuse of the woman and may have serious consequences on the mother/child relationship.

Becoming a Weapon of the Violence

In many families children are used as a weapon to further the abuse of the woman. For a woman experiencing domestic violence, the fear of losing her children is very real. Such a fear may be compounded by a partner constantly telling a woman that if she does decide to leave, this will inevitably happen. For many women this provides enough reason to stay in such a relationship. Often a woman will be undermined verbally in her role as a mother by the perpetrator, calling her useless, unfit or uncaring.

Victims of Violence - Links between Domestic Violence & Child Abuse

Many researchers argue that there are close links between domestic violence and child abuse and that, where one exists, the co-existence of the other is highly likely. Many commentators would argue that witnessing abuse within the home is, in fact, emotional abuse in that a witness to violence is a victim of violence.

There have been various studies which have sought to investigate the co-existence of physical abuse of a woman and physical abuse of children in the same family. Two of the main studies were carried out in the USA. The first (Bowker 1988, cited Mullender and Morley, 1994) systematically examined the relationship between the direct abuse of women and their children. In this study 70% of women reported that their husband had also physically abused their children:

It was generally found, the worse the wife beating the worse the child abuse. This study fell under criticism because the sample group of woman studied were not considered representative of the public as a whole.

The Hidden Victims Study (1994) showed that more than a quarter (27%) of the children involved had been hit or physically abused by the violent partner.

In 1988 Stark and Flitchcraft (cited, Mullender and Morley, 1994) initiated a major study which looked at the issue from a different perspective, the likelihood of abused children having abused mothers. Reports of all children registered for suspected abuse were analysed and matched with hospital medical records of their mothers. In this study 45% of the mothers had a medical history indicative of domestic violence. The main conclusions drawn from this study were:

Stark and Flitchcraft (1998) cited, Mullender and Morley (1994) argue that domestic violence is the perfect breeding ground for child abuse and that the perpetrator of domestic violence is the typical child abuser.

The mother/child relationship can also be affected through domestic violence and this presents yet another way that children may be involved. The circumstances in which women find themselves as a direct result of the abuse they suffer seldom resemble the idealised version of family life and of motherhood. The effects such violence may have on motherhood can impact on their feelings and behaviour towards their children as well as affecting their faith in themselves as mothers and as women. Various studies in this area have shown that a mother's relationship with her children can be either strengthened or weakened through the presence of domestic violence. If a woman has been subjected to violence, the impact it may have on the relationship with her children can be manifested in many ways:

• The woman may use violent or abusive language towards her children as an expression of her own frustration;

• Long term emotional abuse of a woman or repeated degradation may diminish a woman’s confidence in her ability to care for her children, she may feel herself to be a bad or unfit mother;

• Domestic abuse may leave a woman unable to carry out simple day to day household tasks. The Hidden Victims Study(1994) showed that 76% of mothers felt that their depression had affected their parenting;

• Obvious physical markings may leave a woman embarrassed to go outdoors, to take children to school or to do the shopping;

• Financial abuse may leave a woman finding it difficult to "make ends meet". Children may suffer from a lack of food, clothing etc.;

• A woman may try her hardest to protect children from physical abuse and, as a result may endure more physical injury herself;

• A woman may try to protect her children from the truth about what is going on and as a result may have no one to share her own experiences with. Children will also be left confused about the situation, relying on their own explanations and interpretations of what is happening;

• Where children side with the father, a woman may experience feelings of resentment towards them;

• Children may lack respect for their mother as a result of the violence. The Hidden Victims Study (1994) showed that 21% of mothers felt this. Two of these women found that their sons' disrespect seemed to be in danger of escalating to violence;

• In her own loneliness and isolation a woman may cling to her children for love and support, the burden placed on children may be too great to bear;

• Where children are conceived as a consequence of rape it may become a continual reminder of the woman’s own abuse.

It is important to remember that the blame for any negative impact on the mother/child relationship lies solely with the perpetrator of violence. The harsh reality of domestic violence affects a women's ability to care. The impact of continual physical attacks, verbal degradation, emotional torture and social isolation can have upon a women's life should never be underestimated or minimised. Women in such a situation will try everything in their power to hold a family together and to maintain structures and stability. The Hidden Victims Study (1994) highlighted that women never compromised their children's physical welfare by neglecting them.

Despite this, in their study of 56 women McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) found that women were often blamed by professionals for the danger to their children:

Ideologies of "good mothers" and women's fears of professionals responses to disclosure may leave a women afraid to tell about the problems she is experiencing in the home. Women face a difficult dilemma, whether or not to tell professionals about the domestic violence while fearing that her children will be removed, all the time needing support and protection herself. Often to protect themselves from child services women are reluctant to seek out support for themselves. These fears may be compounded by threats made by their partners that their children will be taken into care or that they will themselves get custody of the children. As Stark and Flitchcraft state:

"Not only are the mothers who pose least danger to their children likely to lose them, but they also lose access to whatever meagre resources resulted from agency concern"

The most important point for professionals to bear in mind is that for women to provide effective protection for their children, they themselves need to be protected and supported.

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Our knowledge on the effects that domestic violence has on children is, at present, somewhat limited. To date, the majority of research conducted in this area has been conducted in America and Canada. The Hidden Victims Study, conducted in 1994, provides the only major research in the UK.

Being "caught in the middle" of domestic violence can have adverse effects on a child. We have already discovered that conflict in the home has been ranked as one of the top causes of stress in children’s lives. It is important, however, to remember that every child’s experience of this conflict will be different and every child will utilise different coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. Such coping mechanisms are unique to each child and will, in many ways, determine the outcome of how a child will react to domestic violence.

The research which has been conducted in this area has shown that children suffer a wide range of both physical and emotional effects as a result of domestic violence. Children’s exposure to violence has also been researched in relation to the impact it may have on children’s schooling. Hughes(1986) found that children often had difficulties academically as a result of violence in the home. Overall effects included school phobia and difficulties in concentration. McKay (1981) described children as being aggressive with peers, rebelling against adult instruction and authority and being unwilling to do schoolwork.

The impact that violence has on children’s lives may be divided into four main areas which are outlined below

In their study of 56 women, McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) found that many women talked of both short term and long term effects they felt the violence had on their children:

 

"Some of the children exhibited symptoms such as nightmares only as long as the violent relationship lasted. For other children the effects were seen a short time after the family had broken up. But some mothers told about very long term effects on children, like one young man who, now in his twenties, still stammers in his father's presence" p.37

Some children may fail to show any negative signs at all, in fact, some may even show positive signs such as a sudden improvement in school work . However, we should never make any assumptions about how children have been affected by domestic violence:

No symptom or syndrome inevitably follows abuse. There are no set patterns of how a child who has experienced violence in the home will behave.

The cycle of violence theory is one that has been the subject of much attention and criticism in recent decades. This theory, which is derived in large from the social learning theory, is based upon the premise that violence breeds violence. Supporters of this theory would argue that children learn by observation and, that when they become adults, children who have been exposed to violence will repeat the behaviour they have witnessed in the home.

This comment would suggest that children’s conception of family roles and family life in general may well be modelled on their own experiences of family life as children.

A child who witnesses parental violence in the home may be taught that aggression is:

In the future this may in turn lead to:

The cycle of violence theory has fallen under severe criticism. A critical examination of this theory will consider the following:

McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) found that several women in their study were concerned that such a cycle would occur and left relationships because of this.

The legitimacy of the cycle of violence theory must be questioned. Although abuse may be transgenerational, it is by no means inevitable. To assume that it does would be both naive and simplistic.

Many children will grow up to believe that violence is wrong and not an appropriate way of dealing with conflict. It is important to remember that children are individuals with unique internal resources which enable them to draw their own conclusions and develop their own interpretations of the world around them.

Assessing the Impact of Domestic Violence

Most children and young people can and do recover from adverse effects of domestic violence. Some find healthy coping mechanisms, some may find it difficult to come to terms with and will seek unhealthy ways of coping, which may be exhibited during adolescence in forms such as, fierce independence, anti authoritarian attitudes, delinquency etc., which may in turn lead to problems within society as a whole.

Why is it then that children’s reactions to violence vary so greatly? Why is it that not all children will necessarily be affected in the long term? Why do some children recover quicker and more successfully than others?

Such questions are difficult to answer given our lack of awareness in this field. There is certainly a need to conduct more research into these areas to enable us to develop more specific conclusions. There is a need to include children and young people who are survivors of parental violence in such research, only then will we be able to generate realistic results. Failing this, all we have to go on are adult conclusions drawn from adult perspectives.

Wolfe et al (1985) (cited Jaffe & Wolfe, 1990) conducted a study which compared current and former shelter residents aged 4 to 13 with a control group. Conclusions drawn from the study showed that although the ex-residents showed higher signs of social disadvantage, they resembled the control group on emotional and behavioural measures.

 

"Not all children exposed to wife abuse display elevated symptoms of maladaptive coping and distress. Although approximately one third of the boys and one fifth of the girls in shelters were found to have symptoms falling in the clinical range , a significant proportion of the remaining children were showing fewer negative symptoms and even above average strengths in social competence and adjustment"  P.28

The authors conclude:

Jaffe et al (1990) argue that children’s responses to witnessing their mother being assaulted by their father will vary according to their sex, age, stage of development and their role in the family. Other factors may also play a role such as the extent of the violence, the frequency of the violence, repeated separations and moves, economic and social disadvantage and special needs that a child may have independent of the violence.

Garnezy (1983) (cited Jaffe & Wolfe, 1990) found that the protective factors which enable children to come to terms with violence in the home fall into 3 categories:

The conclusions drawn from these authors highlight three main areas which appear to be of importance when making an assessment of the impact which domestic violence may have on children. These issues are: the individual characteristics of the child; the nature and extent of domestic violence; and the level of support offered to the child. These issues are illustrated in the following diagram:

It is only when we begin to look at these three issues in conjunction can we begin to understand how a child has suffered, how a child is coping and the level of support a child needs. It appears that the issue of support is crucial in the overall process of empowering children to come to terms with their own situation. Support may take many forms and may be offered by various individuals and agencies working with women and children on a regular basis.

There is a definite need for all services to provide effective support interventions for women experiencing domestic violence. Making women safe has often been highlighted as the most effective way of supporting children. As Dr Liz Kelly points out:

Two studies, Hersham and Rosenbaum, (1985) and Wolfe et al (1985) suggested that children were reacting more to the stress their mothers were under than to the violence itself:

In addition to the effective provision of support services to women, it is also essential the effective support and opportunities to recover are provided for children affected by domestic violence.

Organisations and individuals coming into contact with women and children need to be aware of signs and symptoms of domestic violence. Policies and procedures need to be developed and put in place to ensure that women and children are receiving the support and information they need either to stay and survive in the situation or to leave.

Recognition that men’s abuse of women causes problems for children is beginning to spread throughout Northern Ireland. What little knowledge we have in this area needs to be developed through effective research, taking young people's perspectives into consideration.

Organisations working with children and young people must realise that some of them may be experiencing violence in the home. Provision of support is essential for all survivors of domestic violence. Children need supportive adults who will listen to them and help them come to terms with their own situation. For adults to be supportive they need to understand how children are affected and develop positive responses in working with them. There is a definite need for organisations working with children and young people to, through training, develop their knowledge and awareness in this area, so that they can be effective in their practice and response to women, children and young people.

Policy makers must be aware of the impact parental violence has on children and must implement policies, practices and procedures which have, at the centre, the welfare of the child.

The need to raise the issue of domestic violence with young people is extremely high. Attention needs to be directed towards the use of education packages such as Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation’s "NO FEAR" pack in schools and youth settings. Such approaches represent both a pro active and a preventive method of tackling domestic violence. It is only through such an approach can we raise awareness of issues such as healthy relationships, conflict management and gender roles among young people. We need to ensure that all young people are provided with the opportunity to openly discuss such issues. It is only when this occurs that we will see significant change.

Domestic violence is wrong, it is a crime. It is not enough to realise this, there is a need for children and young people to hear this message loud and clear!

References

Campion, J (1991) Counselling Children, Whiting & Birch: London.

Frude, N (1997) The Impact of Violence on Children, Parent’s Advice Conference, Conference Notes

Holder, R et al (1994) Suffering in Silence? Children and Young People who witness Domestic Violence, Hammersmith and Fulham, Domestic Violence Forum: London.

Jaffe et al (1990) Children of Battered Women, Sage Publications: London.

McGee, C (1996) Children's experiences of domestic violence, published. Child and Family Social Work, 2, p 13-23. Blackwell science Ltd: London.

McWilliams, M & McKiernan, 5, (1993) Bringing it out in the Open, HMSO: Belfast.

McWilliams, M & Spence, L (1996) Taking Domestic Violence Seriously, Issues for the Civil and Criminal Justice System, The Stationary Office: Belfast.

Mullender, A& Morley, R (1994) Children Living with Domestic Violence - Putting Men's Abuse of Women in the Childcare Agenda, Whiting et Birch: London.

National Children's Homes, Action for Children (1994), The Hidden Victims, Children and Domestic Violence, NHC: London.